Grace that is greater.......

Thinking of an old favorite today........


Grace, grace, God's grace. Grace that will pardon and cleanse within. Grace, grace, God's grace. Grace that is greater than all my sin.


Isn't that a lovely notion? What does that mean to you? It's like a breath of spring to my soul. But what does it "mean"? Has anyone ever been "gracious" to you? Do you remember it fondly? What about your family?


Another song........


I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God. I've been washed in the fountain. Cleansed by his blood. Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod. I'm a part of the family. The family of God.


Ooooo! It's so very, very hard to think about the "family of God" when we compare it to our own family of origin. They can be soooo ungracious and so unkind. How has this affected you and your behavior towards your own family? (eg. your spouse and children) I know that I am especially sensitive to my spouse and children. I try to live by the "golden rule". (NOTE: It does NOT say "Do unto others, then split!!!)


I am struggling on several fronts these days. One being what to do about some particularly aggressive behaviors from two close family members. My father and my brother can be particularly aggressive towards me in many ways. They are both quite derisive about education -- stemming from their own insecurities about their own lack of college education. They are particularly derisive about my current career choice.

My own response is generally along the lines of the following: "Well, in the past week, I have taught my children how to show respect for each other, and adult authority. I have taught them the rudiments of the English language, and its proper usage. I have taught them to read, and add and subtract, and how to spell. We have memorized poems and heard wonderful stories, and learned about history and far-away places. I have taught them to be kind and merciful, and how to listen to others, and respect one another's property and personal space. I have taught them to be respectful to their parents and teachers. But most of all, I have taught them how to THINK! So, what have you done this week?"

They have a tendency to "tag team" me when my husband is not in the room. What is it about a person that makes them THAT insecure? What exactly do they perceive that I will "do" to them that is so intimidating? Or, what is it about THEM that makes them so self important that they want to belittle everyone else in order to feel better about themselves?

All I have to say at this point is "I QUIT!!!" I have really had about all I am willing to take from these two clowns. My blood pressure has been sky high for the past two weeks. I have been "stuffing" down my anger with some pretty ugly binging. And my emotions have been off the rails. This is NO way to live, and I don't intend to continue for the sake of my mother's feelings. Quite frankly, she is culpable in that she has allowed both of these guys to behave like absolute lunatics for years. The very definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting a different outcome. Well, I can't change them, but I sure as Hell can change my response. So, "I QUIT!!!"

There comes a point beyond which we are unwilling or unable to proceed. I am unwilling to put up with the abuse any more. I am no longer twelve, but when I am in that house, thirty years just disappear. However, I think I have failed up to this point in taking hold of my own personal power. I have two children. And although they will not be the "whipping boys" in this whole ugly scenario, I will NOT subject them to their mother's castigation by these two clowns. They can also become effective bargaining chips in this little poker game. Read: Tow the line ass-hat, or your wife will NOT get to see her grandchildren as often as she might like. Sounds quite reactionary, but I have seen it work first hand! I have just not been willing to use this tactic to my advantage up to this point.

So.....what point with the initial strains of song above? Well, if "turn the other cheek" has been a refrain in my life, I must say that all four are so bloody bruised by now, there is no clear spot to turn!!! I have so thoroughly practiced being gracious and forgiving, that they don't know what to do when I finally have had enough. I will take and take and take -- until I finally snap! That's no way to live.......expressing anger is not a sin. Expecting kind behavior is not a sin. And distancing myself from abusive behavior is not a sin. It's self preservation, and LONG overdue.

I wonder how this distance will affect my weight, when I finally convince myself that I am worthy, and worthwhile. I also wonder if I will EVER be able to erase the negative tapes that run through my head...

Faith and Fat

I've been doing some reading at "Dear Ethel" and she is struggling with some of the same issues that I go to battle with on a daily basis. Namely: You can't be FAT and have FAITH!!! Why not, you ask? Well--it's one of the seven deadly sins, don't you know!

One of my favorite scriptures about faith: Faith is SUBSTANCE of things hoped for; the EVIDENCE of things not seen. So......there is SUBSTANCE to that which we hope for? How can there be any EVIDENCE of the existence of something that is only hoped for? This is a conundrum.

Further, I also think we base our perception of God as a loving heavenly father based upon our own experience of our perceptions about our Earthly fathers. And, if our Earthly fathers were less than stellar.....it's a little hard to wrap your mind around the concept of unconditional love. Especially if you either didn't have a father, or he was a first class jerk.

We also carry "tapes" in our heads from the things that other people have said to us about our "selves" and how worthy we were to be loved. Interestingly enough, if you have been raised in the Christian community, as I have, you find that your worth as a person is almost always tied to what you are willing to do. (Either for the church, the community, or your family.) And you are judged according to your works. (Read: Faith without works is dead.)

But I also learned, (and somewhere along the line, this got brushed under the rug) that there is NOTHING we can DO to obtain salvation. It is FREE, provided by grace and grace alone. Having said ALL of this, it is an attempt to let you know that I struggle daily with this, too. And the whole worthiness, weight, sin, repentance cycle also goes round and round in my head.