Bit 'o the doldrums.....

How is it possible to weigh over 200 pounds and be invisible? I feel that way, you know! I KNOW I'm here, because I've been cooking, cleaning, shopping, working, tending children, entertaining my husband's friends, and on and on and on. One would think that those things might render someone as quite visible. Particularly one with my height and girth! That's where you are mistaken -- it seems that somewhere along the line, I have disappeared, and I don't know when it happened.

It's almost hard to articulate the how and when I first came to this realization. I think it has been a process of degrees, beginning when I left the workforce to have children. I did not return to work until my youngest was in first grade, three years ago.

So much of our self-worth is derived as a human being from what we "do". I would stress here that we are human "beings" NOT human "doings". In the absence of a paying profession, there is often a void which is difficult to fill. Certainly, I was not without occupation! Anyone who is a parent can tell you that the full time act of child rearing is something for which none of us was ever prepared. The intensity of the calling is 24/7/365 with no parole for good behavior.

My aunt often told me that anything worth doing is worth doing right. This type of thinking permeates my family, and so I have always had quite a perfectionist streak. After the children were born, I was convinced that there was nobody on the face of this planet who could love and raise my children but me! I was also told by my parents that "we raised our children, and we don't intend to raise yours". So......not wanting to put them in daycare (EVER) I chose to stay home until they were both school aged.

Somewhere along the line, I lost my "self" and have been struggling to reclaim my identity for the past thirteen years. Quite a long time. Recently, I have been doing a lot of "navel gazing" (read living in my head) and have come up quite sad at the loss.