How's that workin' for ya?

So.....we're a week into the Lenten season, and where am I? Bloated, binging, disgusted with myself -- that's where!!! I loved a recent post on Dear Ethel that dealt with "eating less". Less what? Everything! Ahhh.....there's the rub. For those of us who can never get enough -- "less" almost seems like a joke concept. Truly, even 10% "less" on a 4,000 calorie-a-day diet will still cause weight gain! So, in the interest of examining the concept of "eat less", I have to examine what that would mean to me.

I have this "all or nothing at all" attitude, which I've been told is perfectionism, pure and simple. True. I have extremely high expectations of both myself and others. Really, in every area of my life, I demand perfection (or as close a facsimile as possible). Therein lies the rub! Because I'm fat. And my eating is out of control.

There is a definite disconnect somewhere between my brain and my body (stomach). I KNOW all of the right things to eat. I KNOW all of the calories in-calories out calculations of successful dieting. I KNOW all of the health related benefits to losing weight. So WHY am I so resistant to doing what I already KNOW I need to do?

Maybe eighty pounds just sounds too daunting. Maybe because I've never been able to sustain a loss for any length of time, I've just become apathetic. Maybe because of past failures, and knowing what a Herculean effort it takes to lose, I'm just not up for yet another failure. And yet.......I still have that glimmer somewhere in the back of my consciousness that thinks that I COULD do it if I tried. Because I have been successful at so many other things......why not this?

If I could just let go of this horrible perfectionism. I've done it in other areas of my life! Why not here? Maybe just 10 pounds could spark the flame to get rolling again. Perhaps I shall try....

So, so sad.......

I am so, so sad this night. A dear friend of mine was hospitalized yesterday. His behavior had become increasingly bizarre and disturbing. Outrageous mood swings and wild talk and behavior. Those close to him felt he was going mad. But what to do? Was he a danger to himself? To others? What a hard call to make! His brother finally intervened and had him checked out. The counselor immediately sent him to the hospital for tests......he has a brain tumor!!! Sweet Jesus -- please be with him. Please forgive me for thinking him mad. Pray for my friend.

Fat Tuesday!!!

So, here it is -- Shrove Tuesday again. Have eaten two huge fasnachts today. They are sitting like lead in my belly now. But tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. Can't remember the last time Lent fell this early in the year! I would like to spend this Lenten season trying to get a handle on my eating.



The last time I had any success losing weight, it started during the Lenten Fast. During that initial forty days, I only ate one time per day, at the evening meal. (Kinda like Ramadan, I think.) I also abstained from sugar and any products that contained it. That was one tough forty days, but very rewarding in more ways than one.



First, I was controlling my intake quite handily. It's pretty hard to over-eat when you only eat one time per day. Second, it helped to shrink my stomach. And third, it forced me to find things other than food to occupy my time, so I found that my spiritual life got a nice boost.



Let's see what happens this year......I think I'll try to keep track of what happens here!

Grace that is greater.......

Thinking of an old favorite today........


Grace, grace, God's grace. Grace that will pardon and cleanse within. Grace, grace, God's grace. Grace that is greater than all my sin.


Isn't that a lovely notion? What does that mean to you? It's like a breath of spring to my soul. But what does it "mean"? Has anyone ever been "gracious" to you? Do you remember it fondly? What about your family?


Another song........


I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God. I've been washed in the fountain. Cleansed by his blood. Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod. I'm a part of the family. The family of God.


Ooooo! It's so very, very hard to think about the "family of God" when we compare it to our own family of origin. They can be soooo ungracious and so unkind. How has this affected you and your behavior towards your own family? (eg. your spouse and children) I know that I am especially sensitive to my spouse and children. I try to live by the "golden rule". (NOTE: It does NOT say "Do unto others, then split!!!)


I am struggling on several fronts these days. One being what to do about some particularly aggressive behaviors from two close family members. My father and my brother can be particularly aggressive towards me in many ways. They are both quite derisive about education -- stemming from their own insecurities about their own lack of college education. They are particularly derisive about my current career choice.

My own response is generally along the lines of the following: "Well, in the past week, I have taught my children how to show respect for each other, and adult authority. I have taught them the rudiments of the English language, and its proper usage. I have taught them to read, and add and subtract, and how to spell. We have memorized poems and heard wonderful stories, and learned about history and far-away places. I have taught them to be kind and merciful, and how to listen to others, and respect one another's property and personal space. I have taught them to be respectful to their parents and teachers. But most of all, I have taught them how to THINK! So, what have you done this week?"

They have a tendency to "tag team" me when my husband is not in the room. What is it about a person that makes them THAT insecure? What exactly do they perceive that I will "do" to them that is so intimidating? Or, what is it about THEM that makes them so self important that they want to belittle everyone else in order to feel better about themselves?

All I have to say at this point is "I QUIT!!!" I have really had about all I am willing to take from these two clowns. My blood pressure has been sky high for the past two weeks. I have been "stuffing" down my anger with some pretty ugly binging. And my emotions have been off the rails. This is NO way to live, and I don't intend to continue for the sake of my mother's feelings. Quite frankly, she is culpable in that she has allowed both of these guys to behave like absolute lunatics for years. The very definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting a different outcome. Well, I can't change them, but I sure as Hell can change my response. So, "I QUIT!!!"

There comes a point beyond which we are unwilling or unable to proceed. I am unwilling to put up with the abuse any more. I am no longer twelve, but when I am in that house, thirty years just disappear. However, I think I have failed up to this point in taking hold of my own personal power. I have two children. And although they will not be the "whipping boys" in this whole ugly scenario, I will NOT subject them to their mother's castigation by these two clowns. They can also become effective bargaining chips in this little poker game. Read: Tow the line ass-hat, or your wife will NOT get to see her grandchildren as often as she might like. Sounds quite reactionary, but I have seen it work first hand! I have just not been willing to use this tactic to my advantage up to this point.

So.....what point with the initial strains of song above? Well, if "turn the other cheek" has been a refrain in my life, I must say that all four are so bloody bruised by now, there is no clear spot to turn!!! I have so thoroughly practiced being gracious and forgiving, that they don't know what to do when I finally have had enough. I will take and take and take -- until I finally snap! That's no way to live.......expressing anger is not a sin. Expecting kind behavior is not a sin. And distancing myself from abusive behavior is not a sin. It's self preservation, and LONG overdue.

I wonder how this distance will affect my weight, when I finally convince myself that I am worthy, and worthwhile. I also wonder if I will EVER be able to erase the negative tapes that run through my head...

Faith and Fat

I've been doing some reading at "Dear Ethel" and she is struggling with some of the same issues that I go to battle with on a daily basis. Namely: You can't be FAT and have FAITH!!! Why not, you ask? Well--it's one of the seven deadly sins, don't you know!

One of my favorite scriptures about faith: Faith is SUBSTANCE of things hoped for; the EVIDENCE of things not seen. So......there is SUBSTANCE to that which we hope for? How can there be any EVIDENCE of the existence of something that is only hoped for? This is a conundrum.

Further, I also think we base our perception of God as a loving heavenly father based upon our own experience of our perceptions about our Earthly fathers. And, if our Earthly fathers were less than stellar.....it's a little hard to wrap your mind around the concept of unconditional love. Especially if you either didn't have a father, or he was a first class jerk.

We also carry "tapes" in our heads from the things that other people have said to us about our "selves" and how worthy we were to be loved. Interestingly enough, if you have been raised in the Christian community, as I have, you find that your worth as a person is almost always tied to what you are willing to do. (Either for the church, the community, or your family.) And you are judged according to your works. (Read: Faith without works is dead.)

But I also learned, (and somewhere along the line, this got brushed under the rug) that there is NOTHING we can DO to obtain salvation. It is FREE, provided by grace and grace alone. Having said ALL of this, it is an attempt to let you know that I struggle daily with this, too. And the whole worthiness, weight, sin, repentance cycle also goes round and round in my head.

Get Out of Jail Free

I was just reading a post at Minx, Redux about wanting cool "things" and the inherent debt that goes along with amassing a bunch of stuff. I, too, fight with the urge to keep up with the Joneses and feeling somehow "less than" those who have more than I can afford.

However, I will say that I am a woman on a mission these days. I want to pay off my consumer debt as quickly as possible. There are times when I feel as though a financial tidal wave is looming from behind me, knocking me down more quickly than I can gain my footing. No sooner are the bills paid, than something unexpected rears its ugly head. The oven conks out, the fridge goes on the fritz, the washer stops spinning. When you are barely staying afloat from week to week, these kinds of things un-moor the boat.

My commitment for 2008 is to unload the things that weigh me down. Debt, and its ugly presence in my life, actually weigh upon me more ominously than the extra eighty pounds I currently tote around on my body. The thought that I could lose everything through one major financial hiccup keeps me awake at night. And the latest reports show that lack of sleep makes us FAT!!!

I know it sounds like my husband and I have the equivalent of the National Debt -- to me it seems as insurmountable. However, let me say this -- our credit is impeccable. We could not RENT a home more cheaply than the one we have mortgaged. (Even when taxes, mortgage and fire insurance are figured in.) But, we DO have a car payment, and our eldest is in braces, for which we had to take out a home equity loan. God Almighty! A home equity loan to straighten this kid's teeth?!?!?!? Something's gotta be done about the health care situation in this country!

So -- what to do -- what to do.........

We have been keeping a fairly strict budget for the first time in our 23 years of marriage. Surprisingly, it's not that far off from the "seat of my pants" budgeting I tried for the first 22 years. The one change is our planned, consistent commitment to retiring our debt. It's not easy, and it's certainly not fun! But, each month of consciously sacrificing in order to get out of debt has become more and more satisfying. Even the children have been brought in on the "plan". It has done some good in showing them just where the money comes from -- and where it goes to -- on a monthly basis. Just seeing those numbers helps to make it more concrete.

Hopefully, come February, the car loan will be paid in full. This next school term will be used to pay the orthodontic loan off. Then on to the mortgage. Just IMAGINE living with NO debt. I no longer use credit cards for consumer debt. I use them just like a debit card -- if there's no money in the account, I don't BUY the item. It has been the best first step in debt reduction I have taken, and I've been practicing this for the past ten years.

What I'd really like to do, though, is have a nice financial cushion. One that would make me feel a little more secure in my financial position. Six months' worth would be lovely, but that's like trying to hold sand in a sieve. Every time a little bit gets saved, a new "crisis" comes out of the woodwork.

I am a firm believer that the wealthy truly are happier, on balance, than most of the rest of us. Not that money makes you happy. It's that money gives you "choices" and "options". People with money don't have the same pressures that the normal working stiff has.

Imagine for one moment what your life would be like without a mortgage payment or a car payment or a school loan payment or a credit card payment. What would that mean to you? To me, it would mean some modicum of financial freedom. It would mean that I could choose to save for my future, instead of scrabbling to make ends meet today. It would mean that I could choose to work someplace different, because my very life would not depend upon keeping my current employment in order to pay the bills. It would mean that I would not be pumping my husband's life blood from his veins in order to pay usurious interest rates to the bank. (NOTE: Have you really READ the disclosure agreement to your mortgage??? Do you realize that if you allow the loan to run its course, you will have paid back more than DOUBLE what you borrowed?? And that's a 6% loan, people!!!)

Short of winning the lottery (which incidentally I don't play) this is going to be a long haul. But it is empowering to have a goal, and achievable steps with which to achieve it. Kind of like losing weight -- but much easier!!!!

Food for thought........

I had an interesting conversation with a fellow educator over the weekend. He told me that he attended a conference for reading specialists recently. At this conference, the main area of discussion was reading proficiency, and its importance in early elementary education. Seems like a "no brainer" to me. But what he told me next, left me absolutely speechless. He said that the speakers at this conference have confirmed what we all kind of "know" already. If a child is not a proficient reader by the third grade -- he is basically screwed. So much so, in fact, that studies are done nationally on reading proficiency scores in the third grade. And, that those scores, which show the percentage of children who are NOT proficient readers, is an ACCURATE GAUGE FOR THE PLANNING OF FUTURE PRISON CONSTRUCTION!!!

Dear God, when are we going to get with the program, and start aggressively pushing our children to read, read, read? It is NOT the school's responsibility to fully educate our children. It begins at home, and EARLY. Kindergarten is too late to begin to decode the complexity of our language. Hence, "No Child Left Behind", which translates to "No Child Gets Ahead"! We cannot continue to educate to the lowest common denominator and expect to produce anything but mediocrity.

What has happened to personal accountability and the pride of accomplishment (other than in athletic competition)? Our town doesn't even publish the Valedictorian and Salutatorian from our local districts any more! What a shame, shame, shame!