You know that feeling that you get after eating entirely too many potato chips? Kinda salty and dehydrated and full and (need I say it) ashamed? Well, I'm there in spades tonight!
What is it with "we" compulsive over-eaters at the merest whiff of deprivation that drives us to the binge? Do I REALLY think I'll never eat another potato chip again??? Do I think that they will disappear from the store shelves before I get my eating under control enough to trust myself around them??? Or is it the "Last Supper" mentality which perpetually drives me to over-consume everything in my path before "D" day?
I know that there are several "triggers" at work here. One, is that school is starting in only two weeks, and I am definitely NOT ready for that insanity yet! The mere thought of the schedules and packed calendar are enough to drive me to the "trough".
Another, is the fact that my 25th high school reunion is coming up, and I will be seeing some old chums that I have lost touch with for about 10 years. I am not going to the reunion, but will see some of them when they come home this weekend. I am not feeling very good about my physical self right now -- and I am obsessing about how they will judge me when they see me. I wish I could just be happy about seeing them and having a nice visit. But no -- I'll be wondering what they think about me the whole time. I wish I could just get over myself -- nobody is that interested in me anyway -- otherwise we wouldn't have lost touch for 10 years!!! I think that the best strategy would be to talk about THEM as much as possible and deflect attention from myself.
I also have a trip coming up next week which will last until the day before school starts. My husband and I will be going away (without the children) for the first time in 12 years. Though I should be excited, I am a nervous knot of worry about more things than I can handle. What if the plane crashes? What if we get stranded at the airport on the way home? What if I miss the first day of school? What if my 96 year old aunt dies before I get to see her? (We're going to her birthday party, and adding a few days for vacation.) Will my hosts take one look at me and totally judge me by my size? Will I say or do something to embarrass myself? Will I fit in the airplane seats? What if something happens to one of the children while we are away? And on and on and on........
And so I eat (and eat and eat) and berate myself for eating. I would probably be thinking much more rationally if it weren't for the mental fog caused by too much sugar, salt, fat, and caffeine. I feel really hopped up, and don't think I'll sleep very well tonight. Which makes me obsess about how much I have to get done before we leave. And then I don't sleep. So I don't get much done. So then I binge. And then I feel bad. And then we're back -- full circle. Stop the merry-go-round! I want to get off!!!
As always, tomorrow is another day. Let's hope it's a better one!
Monday, August 13, 2007
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Ohhhh, what a LONG day!!!
Finally -- the big day has arrived, and finally -- it is OVER!!! My 11 year old had her Suzuki Book Party today. My responsibilities have included: preparing the program; inviting the guests; schlepping said child to 60 instrumental lessons over the past 15 months; paying for said lessons; assuring that this child rehearsed all assigned lessons; securing a location for the Book Party; and providing refreshments for the reception after said Party. "Refreshments" being a homemade apple cake, two different kinds of homemade cookies, fresh fruit, and various beverages. (Am I CRAZY???)
For the uninitiated, the Suzuki Method is a program for teaching the violin. For the past 15 months, number one child has been studying Suzuki Book One. While that sounds like a LONG time -- it really is not. This kid had to learn, memorize, and perform 18 different pieces of music. She did a SUPER job -- and I gained about 12 dozen new gray hairs. On top of this little feat, she performed with her teacher (at church) last fall, and at Christmas, and this spring, and on Father's Day. Additional school concerts were in December, February, and May. She also took group lessons at school, so there were assignments from that teacher as well. So there was quite a repertoire of music that this child needed to master in a short period of time.
I will say that she has been diligent about practicing, though her work ethic is about average for an 11 year old. Fortunately, she has quite a bit of innate talent for this instrument, which helps immeasurably.
You may be wondering.......how does this relate to Nory's desire to lose weight??? Well, let's see now. My obsessive-compulsive mind can usually only process one major task at a time. This particular item has been all-consuming this whole summer. We wanted to get this milestone out of the way before school begins, and the insane schedule starts again. So, if I occupy my mind and my time obsessing about the kiddo's repertoire, I don't have to obsess about my diet (or lack thereof) or my weight (or excess thereof). Now that this is out of the way, I feel much freer to turn my attention to my sorry state of affairs. Except that school starts in only two weeks, and I have done virtually NOTHING about the whole diet and exercise thing. AND I am going away for 6 of my remaining days of vacation.
My new mantra (for lack of a better term for what goes on inside my head) is: "Stop beating yourself up and do something constructive". Reading weight loss blogs has put a new spin in my head, and I can feel myself gearing up for something good. I have actually been doing some kind of exercise every day for the past couple of weeks. I have also been trying to up my intake of all things good: water, vegetables, fruits, and whole grains. Maybe this alone is enough to make a shift in my thinking. (Though, I must say that I ate entirely too many of the cookies that I made for the Book Party.) Ah, well, tomorrow is another day......
Take care!
Nory
For the uninitiated, the Suzuki Method is a program for teaching the violin. For the past 15 months, number one child has been studying Suzuki Book One. While that sounds like a LONG time -- it really is not. This kid had to learn, memorize, and perform 18 different pieces of music. She did a SUPER job -- and I gained about 12 dozen new gray hairs. On top of this little feat, she performed with her teacher (at church) last fall, and at Christmas, and this spring, and on Father's Day. Additional school concerts were in December, February, and May. She also took group lessons at school, so there were assignments from that teacher as well. So there was quite a repertoire of music that this child needed to master in a short period of time.
I will say that she has been diligent about practicing, though her work ethic is about average for an 11 year old. Fortunately, she has quite a bit of innate talent for this instrument, which helps immeasurably.
You may be wondering.......how does this relate to Nory's desire to lose weight??? Well, let's see now. My obsessive-compulsive mind can usually only process one major task at a time. This particular item has been all-consuming this whole summer. We wanted to get this milestone out of the way before school begins, and the insane schedule starts again. So, if I occupy my mind and my time obsessing about the kiddo's repertoire, I don't have to obsess about my diet (or lack thereof) or my weight (or excess thereof). Now that this is out of the way, I feel much freer to turn my attention to my sorry state of affairs. Except that school starts in only two weeks, and I have done virtually NOTHING about the whole diet and exercise thing. AND I am going away for 6 of my remaining days of vacation.
My new mantra (for lack of a better term for what goes on inside my head) is: "Stop beating yourself up and do something constructive". Reading weight loss blogs has put a new spin in my head, and I can feel myself gearing up for something good. I have actually been doing some kind of exercise every day for the past couple of weeks. I have also been trying to up my intake of all things good: water, vegetables, fruits, and whole grains. Maybe this alone is enough to make a shift in my thinking. (Though, I must say that I ate entirely too many of the cookies that I made for the Book Party.) Ah, well, tomorrow is another day......
Take care!
Nory
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Welcome to my new page!
I have finally decided to put something in my blog!!! Thank you dear Bea for looking for posts at this spot. I have been enjoying reading some really insightful posts at Dear Ethel, Angry Fat Girls, Half of Me, Car on the Hill, and Another Weight Watchers Blog. These ladies have some of the most well written commentaries on weight loss I have ever read.
It cannot be overstated how much inspiration I have gotten from these ladies. Maybe, just maybe, I might be getting the gumption to start trying to lose this excess tonnage once and for all. But, oh, how tiring it is to even think about beginning the whole process. And the deprivation -- yes deprivation -- it would mean for me. Do the math -- calories in must, must, MUST be fewer than calories out. When you are 85 pounds overweight, as I am, that means that I must run a 297,500 calorie deficit to lose this albatross!!! That sounds more like the national debt than a weight loss plan. (How far would I have to walk to burn 297,500 calories?) Even if you know, please don't tell me -- it would be too depressing!
It cannot be overstated how much inspiration I have gotten from these ladies. Maybe, just maybe, I might be getting the gumption to start trying to lose this excess tonnage once and for all. But, oh, how tiring it is to even think about beginning the whole process. And the deprivation -- yes deprivation -- it would mean for me. Do the math -- calories in must, must, MUST be fewer than calories out. When you are 85 pounds overweight, as I am, that means that I must run a 297,500 calorie deficit to lose this albatross!!! That sounds more like the national debt than a weight loss plan. (How far would I have to walk to burn 297,500 calories?) Even if you know, please don't tell me -- it would be too depressing!
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