You know that feeling that you get after eating entirely too many potato chips? Kinda salty and dehydrated and full and (need I say it) ashamed? Well, I'm there in spades tonight!
What is it with "we" compulsive over-eaters at the merest whiff of deprivation that drives us to the binge? Do I REALLY think I'll never eat another potato chip again??? Do I think that they will disappear from the store shelves before I get my eating under control enough to trust myself around them??? Or is it the "Last Supper" mentality which perpetually drives me to over-consume everything in my path before "D" day?
I know that there are several "triggers" at work here. One, is that school is starting in only two weeks, and I am definitely NOT ready for that insanity yet! The mere thought of the schedules and packed calendar are enough to drive me to the "trough".
Another, is the fact that my 25th high school reunion is coming up, and I will be seeing some old chums that I have lost touch with for about 10 years. I am not going to the reunion, but will see some of them when they come home this weekend. I am not feeling very good about my physical self right now -- and I am obsessing about how they will judge me when they see me. I wish I could just be happy about seeing them and having a nice visit. But no -- I'll be wondering what they think about me the whole time. I wish I could just get over myself -- nobody is that interested in me anyway -- otherwise we wouldn't have lost touch for 10 years!!! I think that the best strategy would be to talk about THEM as much as possible and deflect attention from myself.
I also have a trip coming up next week which will last until the day before school starts. My husband and I will be going away (without the children) for the first time in 12 years. Though I should be excited, I am a nervous knot of worry about more things than I can handle. What if the plane crashes? What if we get stranded at the airport on the way home? What if I miss the first day of school? What if my 96 year old aunt dies before I get to see her? (We're going to her birthday party, and adding a few days for vacation.) Will my hosts take one look at me and totally judge me by my size? Will I say or do something to embarrass myself? Will I fit in the airplane seats? What if something happens to one of the children while we are away? And on and on and on........
And so I eat (and eat and eat) and berate myself for eating. I would probably be thinking much more rationally if it weren't for the mental fog caused by too much sugar, salt, fat, and caffeine. I feel really hopped up, and don't think I'll sleep very well tonight. Which makes me obsess about how much I have to get done before we leave. And then I don't sleep. So I don't get much done. So then I binge. And then I feel bad. And then we're back -- full circle. Stop the merry-go-round! I want to get off!!!
As always, tomorrow is another day. Let's hope it's a better one!
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3 comments:
Went back to my high-school reunion and one of the cheerleaders had gotten real fat. She talked to me, a fellow fattie, all eve. She turned out to be a great gal. But, I kept wondering if she would have spent so much time with me if she had not gained weight. Thus does fat make suspicious reverse snobs of us all, or at least one of us.
Great blog. Great writing style. Your students are lucky to have you. Welcome.
http://dietingbattle.blogspot.com/
Hey there, Potato chips are my enemy and I can't put my hand in a bag without wanting to go fast first into the greasy dark bag. There is a book I'm reading called "The Hunger Within" and it talks about potato chips and how you should just take just one chip and put it in your mouth, savouring it and let it become a soggy substance- then it doesn't seem more than a soggy item- whereas most time we're not even aware of the amounts we're consuming because its just crunch-swallow-crunch-swallow and no conscience.
Thanks for stopping by my site. Hope to hear from you on a regular basis.
As for the water...I'm just trying to drink 50 ounces a day...if I do that I'll have a good day.
Cheers!
http://dietingbattle.blogspot.com/
It's my first time visiting and I just wanted to tell you that I really understand what you're going though, especially your 2nd to last paragraph. I no longer deprive myself of anything (within reason) because of those binges you're talking about. If I NEVER allow myself chocolate or ice cream or cake you can bet your arse in 3 months I'll have all three layered on top one another!
And this is just a suggestion but Dr. Phil's book The Ultimate Weight Solutions has really helped me stop the self-abuse that I used to do to myself when I would eat unhealthy. Seems as if you're an emotional eater and maybe you've already read it but I highley recomend the book. Just after reading this one post I can see how much his book could help you work though this.
Best of luck with the loss and I'll be checking back with you!
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