Get Out of Jail Free

I was just reading a post at Minx, Redux about wanting cool "things" and the inherent debt that goes along with amassing a bunch of stuff. I, too, fight with the urge to keep up with the Joneses and feeling somehow "less than" those who have more than I can afford.

However, I will say that I am a woman on a mission these days. I want to pay off my consumer debt as quickly as possible. There are times when I feel as though a financial tidal wave is looming from behind me, knocking me down more quickly than I can gain my footing. No sooner are the bills paid, than something unexpected rears its ugly head. The oven conks out, the fridge goes on the fritz, the washer stops spinning. When you are barely staying afloat from week to week, these kinds of things un-moor the boat.

My commitment for 2008 is to unload the things that weigh me down. Debt, and its ugly presence in my life, actually weigh upon me more ominously than the extra eighty pounds I currently tote around on my body. The thought that I could lose everything through one major financial hiccup keeps me awake at night. And the latest reports show that lack of sleep makes us FAT!!!

I know it sounds like my husband and I have the equivalent of the National Debt -- to me it seems as insurmountable. However, let me say this -- our credit is impeccable. We could not RENT a home more cheaply than the one we have mortgaged. (Even when taxes, mortgage and fire insurance are figured in.) But, we DO have a car payment, and our eldest is in braces, for which we had to take out a home equity loan. God Almighty! A home equity loan to straighten this kid's teeth?!?!?!? Something's gotta be done about the health care situation in this country!

So -- what to do -- what to do.........

We have been keeping a fairly strict budget for the first time in our 23 years of marriage. Surprisingly, it's not that far off from the "seat of my pants" budgeting I tried for the first 22 years. The one change is our planned, consistent commitment to retiring our debt. It's not easy, and it's certainly not fun! But, each month of consciously sacrificing in order to get out of debt has become more and more satisfying. Even the children have been brought in on the "plan". It has done some good in showing them just where the money comes from -- and where it goes to -- on a monthly basis. Just seeing those numbers helps to make it more concrete.

Hopefully, come February, the car loan will be paid in full. This next school term will be used to pay the orthodontic loan off. Then on to the mortgage. Just IMAGINE living with NO debt. I no longer use credit cards for consumer debt. I use them just like a debit card -- if there's no money in the account, I don't BUY the item. It has been the best first step in debt reduction I have taken, and I've been practicing this for the past ten years.

What I'd really like to do, though, is have a nice financial cushion. One that would make me feel a little more secure in my financial position. Six months' worth would be lovely, but that's like trying to hold sand in a sieve. Every time a little bit gets saved, a new "crisis" comes out of the woodwork.

I am a firm believer that the wealthy truly are happier, on balance, than most of the rest of us. Not that money makes you happy. It's that money gives you "choices" and "options". People with money don't have the same pressures that the normal working stiff has.

Imagine for one moment what your life would be like without a mortgage payment or a car payment or a school loan payment or a credit card payment. What would that mean to you? To me, it would mean some modicum of financial freedom. It would mean that I could choose to save for my future, instead of scrabbling to make ends meet today. It would mean that I could choose to work someplace different, because my very life would not depend upon keeping my current employment in order to pay the bills. It would mean that I would not be pumping my husband's life blood from his veins in order to pay usurious interest rates to the bank. (NOTE: Have you really READ the disclosure agreement to your mortgage??? Do you realize that if you allow the loan to run its course, you will have paid back more than DOUBLE what you borrowed?? And that's a 6% loan, people!!!)

Short of winning the lottery (which incidentally I don't play) this is going to be a long haul. But it is empowering to have a goal, and achievable steps with which to achieve it. Kind of like losing weight -- but much easier!!!!

Food for thought........

I had an interesting conversation with a fellow educator over the weekend. He told me that he attended a conference for reading specialists recently. At this conference, the main area of discussion was reading proficiency, and its importance in early elementary education. Seems like a "no brainer" to me. But what he told me next, left me absolutely speechless. He said that the speakers at this conference have confirmed what we all kind of "know" already. If a child is not a proficient reader by the third grade -- he is basically screwed. So much so, in fact, that studies are done nationally on reading proficiency scores in the third grade. And, that those scores, which show the percentage of children who are NOT proficient readers, is an ACCURATE GAUGE FOR THE PLANNING OF FUTURE PRISON CONSTRUCTION!!!

Dear God, when are we going to get with the program, and start aggressively pushing our children to read, read, read? It is NOT the school's responsibility to fully educate our children. It begins at home, and EARLY. Kindergarten is too late to begin to decode the complexity of our language. Hence, "No Child Left Behind", which translates to "No Child Gets Ahead"! We cannot continue to educate to the lowest common denominator and expect to produce anything but mediocrity.

What has happened to personal accountability and the pride of accomplishment (other than in athletic competition)? Our town doesn't even publish the Valedictorian and Salutatorian from our local districts any more! What a shame, shame, shame!

Sick -- AGAIN!!!

I am so tired of fighting every damn virus that comes across my path. This is my third illness this school year, and it's not even Thanksgiving! I have been dragging around the house like some huge, disgusting slug for the past four days. The weekend was a total wash-out, and I got absolutely nothing done! My head feels like a weighs seventy pounds, and every time I swallow, it feels like my head will implode because my ears are so plugged up. Why, oh why can't they find something to make colds go away?

In case you're wondering -- YES, I do wash my hands. Like, a thousand times a day. My skin is so dry from it, the knuckles are cracking and bleeding! But, what are you going to do when a first grader sneezes directly into your eyes? Spray Windex in them? (Think My Big Fat Greek Wedding)

Anyway, Thanksgiving break is only six more school days away, and I could REALLY use to break to allow my poor beleaguered immune system to ramp back up. I could also use the time to try to start a new exercise program -- that should also do wonders for my tired immune system as well. Can't hurt to try, can it?

Oops, I did it again!

I knew it, I knew it, I just KNEW it!!! Damn it all to Hell -- why can't I ever maintain momentum for any length of time? I am wife, mother, lover, referee, entertainment coordinator, artist, chauffeur, laundress, cook, housekeeper, nanny, teacher, banker, friend, confidante, professional shopper, budget planner, retirement planner, administrator, attorney, judge, and jury -- all rolled into one BIG fat package.

I know that sounds like a lot of jobs, but this list is by no means exhaustive! (Though exhausting, maybe!) It might seem impossible, but I am quite proficient at ALL of the above. What I am not proficient at is: successful dieter, exerciser, fitness aficionado. And this is my undoing. How is it possible to be so successful in every area of one's life, and have one single area just kill the rest?

Sure enough, I've been on a post trick-or-treat candy binge. It's also "that time" of the month again! It feels like some alien being invades my body. Really!! It's like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" -- with the alien's quest being the ingestion of every single carbohydrate on the planet!!! I've just gotta get back on the wagon, and subjugate this beast before I come undone.

Please tell me how you find the motivation to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again!

High Anxiety

Well, I'm down ten pounds! Amazing to me that I've not totally binged in over three weeks!! I have a "girlie" doctor appointment tomorrow, and regardless of the small loss, I'm a complete wreck about having to get on the scale. I will probably eat nothing the entire day, and wish I could strip down completely before the fateful weigh-in. Why must that stupid scale cause so much anxiety? Truly, what business is it of theirs what I weigh? Any who died and left them God over my weight?

Don't lecture me -- has it not occurred to you that I already KNOW that I am fat? Has it not occurred to you that the reason I am six months over-due for my annual exam is that I hate, hate, HATE your freaking scale??? I am not a stupid person, nor am I a child. If you truly wanted to help, you would keep your trap shut! And further, the anxiety of the paper gown alone is enough to send my blood pressure into the stratosphere (not to mention the freaking scale again!)

I pray I can get through this with a modicum of mortification, and that it doesn't send me off the deep end into a self-loathing binge. HELP!

Sometimes illness has its reward!

I've been ill for the past three weeks. Not falling down sick, mind you, but sick enough to send me to bed exhausted every night for the past two weeks. My classroom has had a lot of illness since school started at the end of August. I like to call my students "my little petri dishes" because they keep brewing up new and more virulent forms of illness with which to infect me. My throat has been sore for 19 days -- scratchy and raw. Not strep. Not needing an antibiotic. But dry and sore.

Today is the first day I have felt like my old self. I think it must have something to do with having four consecutive days away from school. I have gotten some quality rest, and feel like I am on the road to recovery. I hope this past month does not portend illness for the rest of the school year.

The kids have come down with this cold, too. I am actually grateful they got it now, while we're off for the Columbus Day holiday. Sucks for them, but at least they are not missing any school, and neither am I.

The one upside to this round of illness has been my complete lack of appetite. REALLY weird for me. I have been known to be hungry while suffering from intestinal flu, for crying out loud! I have actually lost about 6 pounds, and it feels absolutely wonderful. I hope I can resist the urge to binge once the illness has passed completely. This is the first time in about five years that I have any urge to try to lose weight. It is a good feeling. I'm making plans. We've been eating more healthfully. I have been praying about this and it feels like some sort of break-through.

I feel crunchy

You know that feeling that you get after eating entirely too many potato chips? Kinda salty and dehydrated and full and (need I say it) ashamed? Well, I'm there in spades tonight!

What is it with "we" compulsive over-eaters at the merest whiff of deprivation that drives us to the binge? Do I REALLY think I'll never eat another potato chip again??? Do I think that they will disappear from the store shelves before I get my eating under control enough to trust myself around them??? Or is it the "Last Supper" mentality which perpetually drives me to over-consume everything in my path before "D" day?

I know that there are several "triggers" at work here. One, is that school is starting in only two weeks, and I am definitely NOT ready for that insanity yet! The mere thought of the schedules and packed calendar are enough to drive me to the "trough".

Another, is the fact that my 25th high school reunion is coming up, and I will be seeing some old chums that I have lost touch with for about 10 years. I am not going to the reunion, but will see some of them when they come home this weekend. I am not feeling very good about my physical self right now -- and I am obsessing about how they will judge me when they see me. I wish I could just be happy about seeing them and having a nice visit. But no -- I'll be wondering what they think about me the whole time. I wish I could just get over myself -- nobody is that interested in me anyway -- otherwise we wouldn't have lost touch for 10 years!!! I think that the best strategy would be to talk about THEM as much as possible and deflect attention from myself.

I also have a trip coming up next week which will last until the day before school starts. My husband and I will be going away (without the children) for the first time in 12 years. Though I should be excited, I am a nervous knot of worry about more things than I can handle. What if the plane crashes? What if we get stranded at the airport on the way home? What if I miss the first day of school? What if my 96 year old aunt dies before I get to see her? (We're going to her birthday party, and adding a few days for vacation.) Will my hosts take one look at me and totally judge me by my size? Will I say or do something to embarrass myself? Will I fit in the airplane seats? What if something happens to one of the children while we are away? And on and on and on........

And so I eat (and eat and eat) and berate myself for eating. I would probably be thinking much more rationally if it weren't for the mental fog caused by too much sugar, salt, fat, and caffeine. I feel really hopped up, and don't think I'll sleep very well tonight. Which makes me obsess about how much I have to get done before we leave. And then I don't sleep. So I don't get much done. So then I binge. And then I feel bad. And then we're back -- full circle. Stop the merry-go-round! I want to get off!!!

As always, tomorrow is another day. Let's hope it's a better one!

Ohhhh, what a LONG day!!!

Finally -- the big day has arrived, and finally -- it is OVER!!! My 11 year old had her Suzuki Book Party today. My responsibilities have included: preparing the program; inviting the guests; schlepping said child to 60 instrumental lessons over the past 15 months; paying for said lessons; assuring that this child rehearsed all assigned lessons; securing a location for the Book Party; and providing refreshments for the reception after said Party. "Refreshments" being a homemade apple cake, two different kinds of homemade cookies, fresh fruit, and various beverages. (Am I CRAZY???)

For the uninitiated, the Suzuki Method is a program for teaching the violin. For the past 15 months, number one child has been studying Suzuki Book One. While that sounds like a LONG time -- it really is not. This kid had to learn, memorize, and perform 18 different pieces of music. She did a SUPER job -- and I gained about 12 dozen new gray hairs. On top of this little feat, she performed with her teacher (at church) last fall, and at Christmas, and this spring, and on Father's Day. Additional school concerts were in December, February, and May. She also took group lessons at school, so there were assignments from that teacher as well. So there was quite a repertoire of music that this child needed to master in a short period of time.

I will say that she has been diligent about practicing, though her work ethic is about average for an 11 year old. Fortunately, she has quite a bit of innate talent for this instrument, which helps immeasurably.

You may be wondering.......how does this relate to Nory's desire to lose weight??? Well, let's see now. My obsessive-compulsive mind can usually only process one major task at a time. This particular item has been all-consuming this whole summer. We wanted to get this milestone out of the way before school begins, and the insane schedule starts again. So, if I occupy my mind and my time obsessing about the kiddo's repertoire, I don't have to obsess about my diet (or lack thereof) or my weight (or excess thereof). Now that this is out of the way, I feel much freer to turn my attention to my sorry state of affairs. Except that school starts in only two weeks, and I have done virtually NOTHING about the whole diet and exercise thing. AND I am going away for 6 of my remaining days of vacation.

My new mantra (for lack of a better term for what goes on inside my head) is: "Stop beating yourself up and do something constructive". Reading weight loss blogs has put a new spin in my head, and I can feel myself gearing up for something good. I have actually been doing some kind of exercise every day for the past couple of weeks. I have also been trying to up my intake of all things good: water, vegetables, fruits, and whole grains. Maybe this alone is enough to make a shift in my thinking. (Though, I must say that I ate entirely too many of the cookies that I made for the Book Party.) Ah, well, tomorrow is another day......

Take care!

Nory

Welcome to my new page!

I have finally decided to put something in my blog!!! Thank you dear Bea for looking for posts at this spot. I have been enjoying reading some really insightful posts at Dear Ethel, Angry Fat Girls, Half of Me, Car on the Hill, and Another Weight Watchers Blog. These ladies have some of the most well written commentaries on weight loss I have ever read.



It cannot be overstated how much inspiration I have gotten from these ladies. Maybe, just maybe, I might be getting the gumption to start trying to lose this excess tonnage once and for all. But, oh, how tiring it is to even think about beginning the whole process. And the deprivation -- yes deprivation -- it would mean for me. Do the math -- calories in must, must, MUST be fewer than calories out. When you are 85 pounds overweight, as I am, that means that I must run a 297,500 calorie deficit to lose this albatross!!! That sounds more like the national debt than a weight loss plan. (How far would I have to walk to burn 297,500 calories?) Even if you know, please don't tell me -- it would be too depressing!