Rounding out the month.......

So......Last day of September tomorrow. My husband has been sick with a cold for the past week. Not sick enough to call off work. But sick enough to really bother his joints. He has a rheumatoid condition, and when he gets a viral infection, his joints are always really sore.

I woke up this morning feeling "sinus-y" and immediately began taking Airborne. Hope it works, because my youngest already has caught my husband's cold. If I get it, it's almost sure to become pneumonia again. Have had it twice in the past year, and feel like my resistance is really down just now.

If you are keeping score, we have been in school for five weeks now, and have not had even ONE week (or ONE DAY) where at least one member of my family was not sick. This is really wearing me down. Trying to keep the kids healthy enough to go to school. Trying to recover from my own illness. Trying to keep the family ship afloat. It's wearing me out, I'll tell ya! If one of the kids isn't sick, one of us is fighting a new illness.

Just found out yet another of my students has strep! Of course, he was back in school bright and early this morning. Fell asleep on his desk this afternoon. A LITTLE HELP HERE??? KEEP HIM H-O-M-E!!! None of us need to fight off those germs, and he doesn't feel well enough to be in school......so much for administrative policies on illness!!!

If this is September, what's JANUARY like???

So.....YES, I did have a strep infection. Took until Thursday afternoon to figure this out. The strain of strep is called "group C" and is not commonly diagnosed. Just to give you some idea about this form of strep: It kills MOOSE in the wild. It also causes an illness in horses called "strangles" and is often FATAL!!! GRREEEEAAAAT! I am currently just finishing up my THIRD round of antibiotics. Yes, third. It took that many tries to find one that would kill this organism.

I finally got back to work on Tuesday. That very morning, the firstborn wakes up with a 103 degree fever! Will this never end??? She's been off school for four days now! I took her to the doctor late Tuesday afternoon, told him my whole sordid tale, and he sent us on our way with the whole "it's viral" crap! Friday morning, and she's still got a 103 degree temperature, and tonsils that look like she storing walnuts for winter. So.....back to the pediatrician, and lo and behold, NOW we're going to test for strep! (Who'da thunk it???) Just TWO doses of amoxicillin, and she a-febrile, and off the couch! Call me crazy, but given the nature of my illness last week, couldn't we have saved this child three days of suffering and just done the strep culture on Tuesday? Plus, TWO $20.00 office visit co-pays!!! We won't find out what the culture shows until Monday, but I have my money on Strep Group C!

We have not had even one week without illness since school started. If things are this bad in September, what's it going to be like in January, when the REAL cold and flu season starts? HELP!

The latest and greatest....

So. I'm still sick. Not just with pink eye. Now I've got tonsillitis. Can barely swallow, and the whole thing is completely covered with a layer of pus! Yech! So, there's also suspected strep at work here. Won't know that until tomorrow. But at least now I have an antibiotic to start helping me fight this junk! If this isn't significantly better by Thursday morning, I've got to go to an ENT guy to find out what the NEXT step is in this odyssey that's become my life. HELP!

It's that time again!!!

We've officially been back in school for eight (count 'em EIGHT) days, and I 've already got a rip-roaring infection. This one had me up all night with itching, burning, watering eyes. I woke up this morning with a swollen, burning, tearing right eye. So, I call my eye doctor, who informs me that I have to call his "on call" team. The doc. "on call" is one of the poorest excuses for a human being I've ever met. The moment I meet him, I can tell he HATES working weekends (or maybe he just HATES women, can't really tell, because he barely speaks to me.) Turns out, I've got VIRAL pink eye!!! NO TREATMENT FOR IT!!! Tell THAT to my eyes of death!

I can practically tell you the exact minute when I was infected last week. One of my little petri dishes (um, students) comes staggering up to me to tell me that his eyes burn (no shit, they're BLOOD red) and that he doesn't feel so good. He then proceeds to SNEEZE DIRECTLY INTO MY EYES!!! Take him to the school nurse, and within TWO MINUTES, she bounces him back to my classroom. BECAUSE MOM WON'T LEAVE WORK TO COME PICK HIM UP!!! GRRRREEEEEAAAAT!!! Send him back to continue to INFECT the rest of us!!!!

WHEN, OH WHEN, WILL PARENTS PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR CHILDREN BEFORE SENDING THEM TO SCHOOL S-I-C-K?????

P.S.: Went in to school today, (Monday, Sept. 8) and didn't get any farther than the nurse's office. They took one look at my eye, and said bye-bye! So, because I am part-time, I have NO benefits, no sick time, and no substitute in my absence. My work with struggling readers goes un-done when I am not there. I also go unpaid! This is VIRAL pink eye, and will take its own sweet time clearing up. Most likely, it will last 7-10 DAYS, but could go on as long as 3-4 WEEKS! As long as the eye is red, and weeping, I am out of work. SHEESH! Yet, the kid who infected me??? HE'S IN SCHOOL!!!! TELL ME HOW THAT MAKES ANY SENSE???!!!

That inner voice.......

If you hear a voice within you saying "You are not a painter," then by all means paint...and that voice will be silenced.

-Vincent Van Gogh

I love this quote! Wouldn't this be true of many things? If the voice says, "You are not a _________," then by all means DO IT, and that voice will be silenced!

I wonder if it really works that way, though. Because, I would then have a SECOND voice that says, "Maybe you are doing __________, but you are a fraud!"

Ahhh, the eternal quest, to silence the voice within.

I LOVE to READ!!!

1) Bold: I have read.

2) Underline: Books I love.

3) Reprint this list in your own blog so we can try and track down those people who’ve read 6 and force books upon them ;-)


1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. The Harry Potter Series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible
7 . Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials – Phillip Pullman
10. Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 . The Complete works of Shakespeare (I've read some of them, but not all.)
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit --J.R.R. Tolkien
17. Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveler's Wife
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 . The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis (all seven books)
34 . Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Jungle - Upton Sinclair
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies – William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune- Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince – Antoine de St. Exupery (in English AND French)
93. The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town like Alice- Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet- William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

The most recent series that I have read was by Stephenie Meyer. Called the Twilight Saga, these four books are among the most compelling contemporary literature I have read in recent memory. (I am such a slug, I read all four novels last week!!!) Another contemporary series that I have read in the past year was the "Pretties" trilogy (but actually four books - go figure) by Scott Westerfeld. I highly recommend any of these books for a terrific summer read!

Rice Redux

This has not been a particularly good week for me diet-wise. All I can do is begin again from where I am. My most successful period in the past three months has been when I was eating vegan on the Rice Diet. I think that I shall pick up where I began in June, and try for as many consecutive clean eating days as possible. The loss of fluid would feel wonderful in this awful heat. I also long for the clear-headed feeling of losing the excess sugar/salt/caffeine of the past week or so.

Another happy by-product of the Rice Diet is the initial exhaustion/sound sleep that accompanies the detox. Not that I enjoy being wrung out. But that was some of the best sleep I have had in a long time! (I have long thought that if we could get all of the insomniac peri-menopausal women together when we were not sleeping, we could rule the world!)

The other component that I simply MUST add is daily exercise. This mountain will not be moved unless, and until I decide to exercise consistently. Hopefully, that will not only help with the weight loss, but will also contribute to better sleep, and improved mood.

Ever hopeful........

Oh my, my....Oh Hell Yes!!!

Tom Petty is singing again tonight. Last dance (though not with Mary Jane). What a binge day this has been! I feel actually sick from all of the crap I have shoved in my mouth. None of it made the least bit of sense. Very little of it was actually good for me. But -- I recorded every morsel. And the tally was over 2200 calories. Not a lot, really, but enough to blow my food budget for the day. Heck, it blows my food budget for the week!!!

I feel like I could just burst into tears. Some time ago, I was doing some reading about having needs met. Those needs included physical needs like shelter, clothing, sleep, sex, exercise, and food. Other needs included social and spiritual connection. I wonder if the food deprivation of the past two months has caused imbalances in other areas of my life that I have not looked at until today.

I am not sleeping well. And although I have been eating very healthfully, it is not enough to sustain me physically as I am (or rather, as I was). Homeostasis demands that an entity maintains itself. Because I have been consistently consuming less than my body wants in order to maintain, there is imbalance within the system. Therefore, I have been feeling more and more chaotic.

The drive to eat has been persistent and undeniable. Unfortunately, I have given free reign to that urge today, and now I am paying the price. No sleep in sight. Indigestion. Feeling sad. Very lonely. Tired. And now I face another very long week alone with the children, with a very distant and absent spouse.

Things are just feeling a bit hopeless right now, and I can't exactly put my finger on it. I am trying to just "be" with these feelings, and not eat any more over them. I do know that feelings are not reality and that they are transient. Wait five minutes and everything can change. Hope something changes tomorrow, because I am really feeling low tonight.

Tag! I'm it!

This came from Mighty Minx:

5 things found in your bag:

1. Way, way, WAY too many store "bonus cards". Why can't they just give everyone the same break, and not continually spy on all of my purchases? I have a separate credit card carrier just for those stupid cards!



2. My small two-year date book. My entire life is in this little book. If I lose it, I will have NO idea when the kids' next dental appointments are, or mine, for that matter.



3. Gum. Gotta have it! Especially now that I am really trying to watch what I eat. If I have a stick of nice minty gum in my mouth, it makes a Coke Slurpee (also known as liquid crack) seem unpalatable.



4. My checkbook. I know this is irrational, but there have been three occasions when I was at the grocery store, and a thunderstorm knocked out the credit card system. The only way I could get out of the store with my items was by paying with a check. I should just take ONE check with me instead of the whole book, but then I forget about it, and wonder why a check is missing from my statement. Which sends me into a panic until I remember that it's in my wallet in case of emergency.



5. Pens -- notice the plural. It never fails that I will need a pen at a meeting, and not have one. Then I have to borrow one from someone else, and then remember to give it back. So now I have become the pen lady that everyone else borrows from. I usually have several "swag" pens from any number of functions that I would not mind losing, as they cost me nothing. (But the time I spent at whatever function I got the pen at in the first place.)

5 favorite things in your room (bedroom):

1. My TempurPedic Mattress. That thing feels like a brick when you first lay down on it, but after about five minutes, it warms up and you sink into it like a custom-made foam cushion.



2. My computer. It sometimes seems like it has become indispensable. DSL was a revelation to me about a year ago, and I never wanna go back to dial-up again!



3. Two pictures of wild birds that my mother quilled for me. Quilling is a very old paper craft that involves thin pieces of paper that are twirled and glued together to form flowers and other artsy things. My mother is a very talented artist, and I've got her work in every room of my house. Wild birds are her favorite subject.



4. My jewelry collection. My aunt is a jewelry artist, and she has allowed me to pick a number of items that I wanted from her collection. Her stuff is not terribly expensive, mostly done in sterling silver, but every piece is original. She rarely makes the same design twice, and even then, things turn out very differently due to the nature of the stones she uses. There are always differences in the size, shape and color of the quartz, obsidian, or turquoise she uses. I like the organic feel of the stones.



5. My blow dryer. If you have naturally curly hair like me -- 'nuf said!

5 things I have always wanted to do:

1. Go to med. school. I think I would make a fantastic doctor. Or I would have fifty years ago, before the government and the insurance companies screwed up the profession and made it about billing and coding, and profitability and not patients.



2. Publish something that would help other people to live their lives in a way that would help them find meaning and purpose.



3. Go to Paris and not have to worry about every penny.



4. Be able to draw or paint something which looks extremely life-like. I love the old masters whose portraits appear to be photographs.



5. Lose enough of my excess weight that my BMI would fall into the normal range and then maintain it for the rest of my life.
   

5 things I am currently into:

1. Reading, reading, reading.



2. Swimming.



3. Dieting -- Diet Power rules!
   


4. Staying cool!



5. Spending quality time with my kids.

5 People I want to tag:

1. Pats


2. Renee


3. Lynn


4. Frances


5. Kathleen

Off the rails!!!

Yes, that's right folks -- I'm off the track and careening towards a brick wall at about 150 miles per hour. This day has been an absolute nightmare. I just hate it when my spouse is on call, and this week is brutal. He's been out three days this week, and it's only Wednesday. What's the weekend going to be like??? Every day, he's up at 5:45 and out the door by 7:00 -- earlier if the pager goes off. Work all day, in the heat and humidity. Come home, grab a bite, and off again. Last night he was out until 12:30 AM and still had to get up at 5:45 to go in for a full day of work. This is so unfair. It seems like an OSHA violation or something. By rights, he should have at least the opportunity to sleep for eight hours!!!

The truck he drives is in the neighborhood of 14,000 pounds. Driving while sleep deprived is tantamount to driving drunk. The only saving grace is that when he is home, I insist that he nap in the evenings. The long and short of this is that I am a functional single parent for the week. The kids hate that they don't see him. He gets short tempered. We don't talk, other than pressing business or table talk at meals. And I become an over-functioning crazy woman.

Add to this lethal cocktail a set of raging PMS hormones, and you've got a recipe for disaster. I already feel totally isolated with the kids at home and no school to occupy them. So I become Julie McCoy, your cruise director. I'm practically tap dancing on the table and spitting nickles to keep them entertained and happy. The BIG kid (husband) is moody, tired, and care-worn. So, more tap dancing from me to try to keep him happy too! Only, sometimes there is just no pleasing him. He's miserable and just wants to BE miserable. Which makes ME miserable. But, you see, I am not allowed to be miserable. Because I'm Julie McCoy, your perky cruise director. With an eating disorder.

Tonight started innocently enough. Had a little of the pasta I made for the family, while I ate my measured pre-selected healthy meal. The healthy meal was good.......the pasta was DELICIOUS!!!! I could have gone face down in the pot. But did not. Later in the evening, the kids wanted a snack, so they got out the sourdough pretzels. Fine, I'll have one too. Or two. Or three. (This is not looking good!) Finally, the kids are in bed (after 10:00 yet again) and I get out the baked Lays. The bliss of the Zen of crunch cannot be described. I became ONE with the chips. No idea how many I ate. Just feel salty and bloaty now!

Okay, children, now what have we learned? My triggers: stress, PMS, boredom, loneliness, feeling neglected, feeling unseen, feeling taken advantage of, insomnia and fatigue. That's a mighty long list, campers. Hard to overcome even one or two binge triggers. But NINE??? Sorry kids, but today was a wash!!!

Like the song says: Wake me up when September ends......only my song goes: Wake me up when your call week ends!

So, Punk, do you feel lucky???

This is a question I have been asking myself ever since I downloaded the package from Diet Power. Based on many factors including weight, age, and activity level, the program determines a "food budget" for each day that you are on a weight loss plan. They guarantee, that if you follow the program, log each and every food you eat, and stay within your food budget, you WILL meet your goal within a few days of your target date.

I have never attempted anything this detailed before, but I am having a very hard time with "excess" budget calories earned by exercise. The program really wants you to eat your full budget every day. And if you exercise a lot, you earn a lot of extra "food budget" calories for the day. Which means you can eat more -- yippee!

The main thought is that you must eat in order to lose (go figure), or your body will think it is starving and put your metabolism into slo-mo. (If my colon is any indication, I'm already there, baby!) My initial response to budget calories earned through exercise is a big woo-hoo, I'll just lose faster!!! But no!!! Gotta eat to lose -- MAJOR paradigm shift for me here!

Only, I don't trust it just yet, and I have a specific goal for the end of this summer break. I WANT to be at, or below the "big EVIL number" (read: 200 large). Just how long do I futz with this new program before I decide that it doesn't have a clue WHAT my basal metabolic rate is? And that it is probably overestimating how many calories I am burning through exercise.

I will say that I have been very forthright about my portions and calorie counts. It is hurting nobody but me if I don't record ALL of my intake every day. This detailed accounting of both diet and exercise, combined with daily weigh-ins determines your daily food budget. I'm just afraid that they are giving me just enough rope to hang myself! Plus, the fluid ups and downs are driving me batty. Add the constipation, and it's like a three ring circus!

Been posting a LOT lately, but it helps to see all of this angst in print. Shows what's going on inside my over-active head. You know, racing thoughts and all that......

Bricks without straw.....

Okay, so here's the thing.....How is it possible to be eating a nearly vegan diet, consuming close to a gallon of fluid every day, and STILL be constipated?!?!?!? I can understand hormonal issues surrounding the menstrual cycle, and I can understand having issues with exercising in the heat. But my Lord, what am I doing wrong??? My colon is taking everything I eat, and turning it into BRICKS!!!

And it's not because of too much bread or cereal. I've been averaging ONE slice of 100% whole wheat bread a day, and MAYBE one ounce of shredded wheat cereal three times a WEEK!

The bulk of my diet has been fruit and brown rice. For every 3/4 cup of rice, I'm having two pieces of fruit. I also try to vary my diet by "eating the rainbow", which means changing up the mix every day. Now that I've added vegetables, I'm doing the same "rainbow" thing with the veg. as well. It all seems so healthful and balanced. But my body is in full-scale revolt!

I fought back last night, and took some senna. That stuff can be a little brutal if you're really backed-up. But desperate times call for desperate measures!

Given that I've been averaging around 1,000 calories a day, it makes absolutely NO sense that my weight should be up by 5 pounds this morning. Now, some of that is definitely water weight because I had Chinese food yesterday (which was completely off-program because of all the sodium, and not because I ate anything that was nutritionally insane). After breakfast, I got my answer -- the senna is doing a right fine "housecleaning" and I wouldn't be surprised if all of this excess weight vaporizes by tomorrow.

Going forward, my major concern is to NOT get hooked on senna as a way of keeping my poor beleaguered rectum from splitting apart. But really, let's be honest here, if that's what it takes until my body gets accustomed to eating this way, I'll do it!!! Sorry if this post was TMI, but that's what's consuming my mind today!

Phase Two

So.....Here we are, several weeks into the Rice program. The diet itself is very simple. Staying on program is really tough. Life keeps throwing curve balls at me, yet I have been able to keep plugging on.

The lack of sodium in this diet is causing me to dump fluid weight like gangbusters. But, it is also causing my blood pressure to drop precipitously. Just getting out of bed in the morning is a room-spinning experience. This should have eased after the first few days, but seems to be about the same, or maybe a little worse this week. So, today I decided to move on to Phase Two, which adds a bit more sodium from whole grain bread, a few olives if I choose, or a bit of Parmesan cheese. WOW! Do I feel better! The added sodium has normalized my B.P. quite a bit, and the whole grains and beans that have been added to the diet are so much more filling, and they stay with me quite a bit longer.

The weight is not coming off as quickly as I had hoped. But I am down about 12 pounds over the past six weeks. I have not felt deprived, nor have I become unhinged if I ate off program. This is new for me. I wonder if the combination of this blog and Diet Power are part of the reason? Both are keeping me very accountable. Yep, Diet Power and my two readers......

Bloody HELL this is HARD!!!

I cannot, in recent memory, recall having SO many social obligations. This weekend was very, very tough. I had two parties to attend, and ate everything they served, including cake. I find myself feeling bloated, depressed, and disappointed. Rationally, I know that tomorrow is another day, and that I can just pick up where I left off and start Ricing again. But, I was making such good progress. And I was feeling so good. And I was exercising every day. But not this weekend. How easily I am derailed.

On a more positive note, I have been logging all of my intake. Because the Rice Diet is so spartan, I have a whole raft of calories in my "bank". So, even with all of the extra calories I consumed this weekend, I still have a nice balance to the positive. This means that I have not done irreparable damage to my extended plan, and can still conceivably achieve my ultimate goal. That is, IF I get back on track!

I am still trying for 21 consecutive clean eating Rice days. The fourth is on Friday, so I don't think this week will be good either. However, I have volunteered to bring fresh fruit salad to our outing, so there is little excuse to quit the program for lack of a suitable option. I can just bring the rice with me. Not sure I am up for that kind of scrutiny from my husband's family. But since we see them so seldom, I am also not sure I really give a rat's ass WHAT they think!!! I'll really have to steel my resolve to eat the way I feel I must in order to withstand the temptation. What will probably happen, is that I will crumble in my resolve the second we arrive, and I will just try to limit the damage. So much for 21 clean days.......

Diet Power!!!

I just downloaded a two week trial package from Diet Power.com and have watched all of the tutorials and logged my foods for today. It also allowed me to log my intended foods for tomorrow as well as my exercise. What a powerful tool! It minds not only your input, but your output, your water intake, your nutrient quotient, and calorie deficit/excess for each day. Seems like a lot of work, but could become pretty routine over time. I'm not sure I want to buy the program yet, but I plan to utilize the tool over the next two weeks to see how difficult it is to use. I also want to watch what it has to say about my nutrition. It will be interesting to see what is has to say about my weight loss goals (and how long it may take me to reach them).

I think this program may be a good tool to keep me accountable for what I plan to eat, and then what I actually consume. Sort of like O/A?

It's getting pretty late, so I'd better turn in for the night. After all, sleep is a very important component in this whole equation.

When life gets in the way......

It's amazing how many social situations come up when you're trying to work a new program! I can sometimes go MONTHS without a single social obligation. But, just let me try to start a diet -- and WHAM! -- several invitations per WEEK!!!

I must say that my mind has been in a good place in spite of the various outings that I have had since becoming a "Ricer". When I have a situation that is not "Rice friendly", I just eat what is served, and go back to Ricing at the next meal. I simply refuse to give up on this new plan. But I am realistic enough to know that it is nearly impossible to follow Phase I in social situations. So, I just try to stay sane around the non-Rice foods, and pick up where I left off the next day.

The only really negative thing that has happened is that I tend to hold fluid for a day or two following the non-Rice meal. I find it a little disappointing to break Phase I for any reason, because I wanted to see just how effective this plan would be for me. And, I had planned to do a solid three weeks on Phase I. So far, this Phase has been broken three times! Not that I've gone crazy or anything, it just messes with the whole induction to the dieta.

I kind of have a plan in the back of my head to keep up with Phase I until I finally add up 21 consecutive days. No breaks, no cheats. Wonder how long that will take? My son's birthday party is tomorrow, and the 4th of July is only 13 days away, which will mean another break! I hope I can get a solid 21 days by the end of summer break!

Should be an interesting summer! Happy solstice to you! Is anyone else in a radical place like me?

One week down.......forever to go!

One week into the Rice Diet, and I'm feeling pretty good! I've dumped ten ugly pounds (of mostly water) and have reigned in my appetite. There has only been one occasion where I could not eat "on plan" and I chose to have a simple grilled chicken salad with some dried fruit and nuts. I must say that it was one of the most delicious salads I have had in some time.

Because I have been eating nothing but fruit and rice, my taste buds seem to have been "re-booted". When that first bite of grilled chicken and salad hit my mouth -- POW!!! Did that ever taste good! It was so satisfying, and stayed with me for a very long time (mostly thanks to the nuts and protein). Today, it was back to rice and fruit, and did not seem overly difficult.

Tomorrow night, I must attend a function for one of my children which will include dinner. They are having grilled chicken and baked potatoes, so as long as I take off the skin, and eat the potato "naked", I should be alright. Hopefully, there won't be any desserts to tempt me!

This is harder than I thought.....

So, for those of you who read me out in blogosphere, you know that I have been fooling with the Rice Diet for a couple of weeks now. School has been out for a week, and I haven't had any planned outings which would be impossible to follow this new way of eating. I've been eating rice and fruit for the past four days, and I feel just exhausted. I think that all of the illness from the past school term have really taken a toll on me.

A little back-up in history for the uninitiated.......My first grade class was especially challenging in the health department this year. Before Thanksgiving, I had six major respiratory infections. The "cold machine" was out of commission for a while, but fired back up by March. Luckily, I only caught one cold between Christmas and Easter, but did manage to get a rip-roaring vomiting illness. April ended on a high note with Fifth disease burning through my classroom like the plague (again, I avoided this little slice of heaven). May marked the final death knell with a massive outbreak of respiratory infections, capped by several cases of pneumonia. Unfortunately, I got the last round of plague, and have been fighting my way back for the last twelve days! My head was so congested that I actually perforated my right eardrum!

Now, back to the Rice Diet. I ordered two books about this diet back in April or May, and read them as soon as they arrived. The premise of the diet is very, very good! Detox your system from all of the salt/sugar/crap that you have been eating. Then re-learn how to eat in a moderate, healthful way. Well, that sounds just like peaches and cream, doesn't it? What they don't tell you is how bloody awful you feel while all the salt/sugar/crap that your have been eating makes its way out of your bloated over-fed body!

I have felt like sleeping constantly for the past two days! Some of that may be the residual effects from the cold, but mostly it is from the nature of the foods I have been consuming. You know -- salty/sweet/fatty/salty/sweet/fatty and the cycle could go on endlessly if I didn't try to nip it NOW!!! I also think it's my t/o/m so the binging and bloating are par for the course.

This actually is a very simple, clean way of eating. It totally derails the love affair I have with food. There is no room for guessing, and it is very regimented in what is allowed at this stage of the diet. Literally, all I am allowed to eat is fruit, rice, and rice equivalents. This is especially hard because I still must cook for the rest of my family. There has been some unrest among the natives. Eldest child thinks I am "starving" myself. (I put the kibosh to that one by giving her a large fruit salad, and some brown basmati rice, and she was very satisfied. So no more talk of starving.)

I am dumping fluid like Niagara Falls, and already feel "lighter" despite t/o/m. The food is very basic, but since breaking the salty/sweet/fatty cycle, I find that it is very tasty. It will be interesting to see just how long I can continue this phase of the diet. My plan is to try for at least three weeks. I've made it four days so far, and feel pretty confident right now. We'll see at the end of this first week how I feel about continuing on!

Rice Diet

So, I just finished reading The Rice Diet Report, by Judy Moscovitz, and have visions of pounds magically melting into oblivion, dancing through my head. And yet, I am still eating horribly. You know -- we've all been through it a million times -- gotta get it in NOW, or I'll never be able to eat it again!

I really like the premise of this program. Eat moderately, eat whole foods in their natural state, and drastically reduce calories. The most difficult thing for me will be the sodium restriction. I am an absolute FREAK when it comes to salt. I LOVE IT!!! When I am premenstrual, I will go from salt to sweet to salt and back again! Perhaps with some diligent re-training, I will be able to kick the salt monster to the curb, along with his bastard sister, high fructose corn syrup.

I am also curious to see what happens with my GERD symptoms when I cut out all of the high fat, high sugar crap that I've been eating. It will also be interesting to see how long it takes someone in the family to try to sabotage me.

My commitment to this regimen will be for three weeks initially, just to give it a fair shake. If I feel good, and it is not absolutely killing me to continue, I may re-think my goals at that point. I figure I can do ANYTHING for three weeks, right? (ha ha) The school term is coming to an end, so I will have some major time to devote to this endeavor over the summer break. Wouldn't it be absolutely fabulous to return in the fall, having dumped some major excess tonnage? Not to mention the improvement in my physical health and stamina!

There are several events that have been planned that I simply cannot opt out of at this point. They are not rice diet friendly at all! But instead of waiting until they have all passed at the end of the term, I plan to start this program now, with the exception of these three individual event meals. I figure, it beats binging for the next two weeks, and can help me to get into the program somewhat more slowly than I might have otherwise. It also may help me to control my intake at these events in ways I might not otherwise be willing to.

BE the change you wish to SEE

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking since last Thursday night. You know, one of my favorite sayings is: Comparison is the root of all dissatisfaction. Soooo.....to that end, and in keeping with all of the other change that has been happening since the beginning of the year......I am beginning to see that some more change needs to take place! Oh boy! I SO like to shake things up!

I think, that in order to change my life in ways that will benefit me in the end, I am going to HAVE to make some changes in my thinking. I really must own up to MY part in the things that I am terribly dissatisfied with. AND to decide that IF I want to see change, I must first start with my own disordered thinking. Stay with me here -- if I'm not rambling too much!

Starting with this book group I have been attending on Thursday nights, and adding a walk afterward have been REALLY good for me! It's getting me out -- making me think -- allowing me the time and freedom to really examine some of my thought processes. It's also confronting some bad thought processes that I have had my whole life. Kind of exciting, and kind of scary all at the same time. Thank you, thank you, thank you, God!

BE the change you wish to SEE. Isn't that catchy? Doesn't seem as daunting as: Eat less, exercise more. But in practice it would mean the same thing! Somehow, though, BEING the change seems less overwhelming to me.

A shift in thinking. A shift in being. The thing that scares me about this shift, is that it would require me to be more selfish than I have been in years. My focus would have to shift to my own needs for a time as I sort out what changes need to be made. How will I need to sleep? How will I need to eat? How will I need to move? What do I really want? I rarely EVER ask those questions of myself because I have been so consumed with how my children/family should sleep, eat, dress -- oh, and if there is any time left over before we have to be somewhere -- think about myself. Needless to say, I'm barely put together half the time -- not to mention under-rested, over-fed, and over-stressed. Hell, I haven't even had a professional hair-cut in five years!

Well, things are going to have to change. I feel like I've been moving in a very positive direction since the beginning of the year. And this just seems like the next logical step. So hang on baby -- it's gonna be a bumpy ride!!! (Not for you, of course, for ME!) You know, that whole "change back" thing???

Hope this wasn't too rambling for you. I've had entirely too much free time this weekend to think. Strange how that opens up the possibilities.

Bit 'o the doldrums.....

How is it possible to weigh over 200 pounds and be invisible? I feel that way, you know! I KNOW I'm here, because I've been cooking, cleaning, shopping, working, tending children, entertaining my husband's friends, and on and on and on. One would think that those things might render someone as quite visible. Particularly one with my height and girth! That's where you are mistaken -- it seems that somewhere along the line, I have disappeared, and I don't know when it happened.

It's almost hard to articulate the how and when I first came to this realization. I think it has been a process of degrees, beginning when I left the workforce to have children. I did not return to work until my youngest was in first grade, three years ago.

So much of our self-worth is derived as a human being from what we "do". I would stress here that we are human "beings" NOT human "doings". In the absence of a paying profession, there is often a void which is difficult to fill. Certainly, I was not without occupation! Anyone who is a parent can tell you that the full time act of child rearing is something for which none of us was ever prepared. The intensity of the calling is 24/7/365 with no parole for good behavior.

My aunt often told me that anything worth doing is worth doing right. This type of thinking permeates my family, and so I have always had quite a perfectionist streak. After the children were born, I was convinced that there was nobody on the face of this planet who could love and raise my children but me! I was also told by my parents that "we raised our children, and we don't intend to raise yours". So......not wanting to put them in daycare (EVER) I chose to stay home until they were both school aged.

Somewhere along the line, I lost my "self" and have been struggling to reclaim my identity for the past thirteen years. Quite a long time. Recently, I have been doing a lot of "navel gazing" (read living in my head) and have come up quite sad at the loss.

Spring is officially here!

What a fantastic Easter!!! Started the morning at church, which was so enjoyable. The music and the singing were very uplifting. The sacrament was moving and the perfect start to the day.

We had ten for dinner, and even with all the prep. and the mess, and the general confusion of the day, I didn't feel stressed at all! The children also had a wonderful time.

Though I ate more than I really needed to, I did not end this day with the self-loathing that I normally feel after spending the day with my family of origin. None of the old "button pushing" or sniping. None of the compulsive stuffing down of feelings. I feel good about myself, good about my family, good about our Easter party! What a refreshing change.

The only niggling thought I have is this: What did my mother tell the rest of the family about why we weren't there today? She would NEVER, in a million years, admit that there might be a "problem", so this has been on my mind somewhat today. Oh, to be a fly on the wall!

Ch-ch-ch-changes!!!

Spring is in the air, I can just feel it!!! Things smell different -- look different. Bulbs are pushing, leaves are budding. There is also a subtle shift in my outlook. I am very excited for several upcoming events. The first will be tomorrow, when my family will join some extended family members to celebrate Palm Sunday. This has become an annual event, and we are so happy to have been included in the festivities again this year.

The second event will be next Sunday, when we will celebrate Easter with some of these same relatives. This will be the first time I have ever hosted this holiday in my home. The reason that I am so excited is rather complex. It will be the first time in my married life (23 years now) that we will not be joining my mother and father for the holiday. They, however, will not be joining us. Why? (You may be wondering -- or not.) Because my brother is a sociopath with a full-blown personality disorder, and I am no longer willing to be his "whipping boy".

The problem with "Sid Vicious" came to a head again in January. This, interestingly enough, coincided with my daughter's 12th birthday. We were at my parents' house for dinner as a send-off for my eldest nephew before he went back to college. Sid came in oozing attitude, and aggressive to beat the band. Well, he baited me, and I took it like a starving carp! My dad decided to get in on the "fun" and pretty soon they were tag teaming me like professional wrestlers. I became so agitated and angry that I packed up my son and my belongings, and walked home in the dark. My blood pressure was quite elevated for the next two weeks. (168/98 if you're interested. It's amazing that I didn't blow an aneurysm and stroke out or have a heart attack!)

I decided that THAT was going to be the LAST time I spent any time with my sibling. He is a peculiarly perverse ass-hat kinda guy. He needs some SERIOUS therapy, or medication, or BOTH. It took me until the first weekend of March to work up the nerve to tell my mother that we wouldn't be joining the family for the Easter fete. First, it took that long to calm down. Second, it took that long to find a way to tell her without swearing like a stevedore or laying the blame squarely at her feet.

I am a firm believer that bullies are bullies because they are ALLOWED to be. Truly, we do not get a "test" set of children. And we all do the best that we can do with the resources we have available. But, in the case of my brother, there were some SERIOUS holes in the sieve that was my upbringing.

Dad was largely absent as I was growing up. Either because he was working, or hunting, or fishing, or later, going to church functions when he "got religion". Even when he was home, he was absent. Lost in endless, boring television.

Mom never worked outside the home, and was really on her own raising us. She had a wicked mean temper when we were young, and did a lot of yelling and swatting. (No beatings, but she near scared me half to death!) She and dad "found Jesus" when I was 7 and Sid was 12. Things changed in a BIG way after that!!! I could show you pews in my home church that have permanent ass prints from my behind because we were there every time the flipping doors were opened!! Most of my memories from childhood come after the conversion. But I think Sid remembers some of the "darker" days of my mother's temper, and this became the foundation for his ANGRY personality.

I became the "uber" responsible child. Afraid that anything I did wrong would send me straight to Hell. (Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.00.) And so, I spent my childhood and teenage years doing everything I could think of to please them, and to please God. I was GOD GIRL!!! (Can't believe I still have ANY friends from that time at all! Or that I had any friends!) I was sooooo holy, sooooo sanctimonious, sooooo RIGHT!!! I was not good because I was a goody-goody -- I was good because I was so afraid to be bad. The consequences were dire in my household. (For me -- not Sid.)

Thank God I had an aunt who had her head screwed on right, and was willing to forbear my upbringing, and love me until I came to my senses. She is my father's youngest sister, and is well aware of his many short-comings. We are very close to this day. I love her for many things, but mostly for the spiritual mentor she has been, and continues to be.

Anyway, Sid's behavior only continued to escalate in violent ways towards me until he finally moved out when I was 15. That was the first time in memory that I felt safe in my home. He was verbally and physically abusive to me. And I HATED him for it. But, I could never say that, because you go to Hell for hating anyone. So, he continued his insidious abuse, threatening me to ensure my silence, and life went on.

Now, I have a 12 year old daughter of my own. I think about the things that happened to me when I was 8, 9, 10, 11, and finally 12. I look at her -- and I think -- OH MY GOD!!!! HOW COULD MY MOTHER HAVE TOLERATED THE ABUSE THAT WAS TAKING PLACE RIGHT UNDER HER NOSE, AND NOT HAVE DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT????? If ANYONE treated my child like Sid treated me -- I would emancipate the bastard and throw him out of my freaking house!!!

But, "the withholders", as I like to refer to my parents, refused to see anything wrong in our home. Life went on, and I shut up!!! And I ATE to swallow my feelings, and to swallow my anger, and to stuff it all down until I became drugged, and stopped feeling so bad.

In my father's family, boys are valued much more than girls, and women are just so much chattel. So, no matter what Sid did, it was just GREAT!!! Bad grades? GREAT! You did your best! Come home drunk? GREAT! Mom will have that cleaned up and your bed changed in a jiff so you can sleep it off! Flunk out of school? GREAT! Now Nory will have to start saving for college at the age of 12 because Sid fucked up! But never a word of praise for the (allegory here) "son" who stayed home and worked the farm -- NO, we'll just continue killing the fatted calf for the prodigal every damn time he comes home again!!! Well, the herd got mighty slim 'til it was time for me to go out on my own. And precious little left for my inheritance because of Sid's debauchery. (Not that girls deserve anything, anyway.)

So, by now, if your eyes haven't flipped up into their sockets, and you haven't gone unconscious, you may be wondering how I've gotten to the ripe old age of 43 without telling these people where to get off!!! Well, my indoctrination was thorough, and my belief system firmly in place. A friend of mine is a priest who says, "Give me a child until he is 12 and I'll give you a Catholic for life!" Same thing -- "Abuse a child until they are 12, and they will take the abuse for life!!

My aha! moment came in January, when my own daughter turned twelve. That is the age at which I began my descent. I can remember clearly that I was 5'2" and weighed 112 pounds. I was a little pudgy because I did not have good muscle tone, but surely NOT fat, or even overweight. But in the period of three years, my weight ballooned to 204!!! Holy shit!!! By the time I was 15, I was 5'8" tall and weighed 204 pounds!!! What good parent doesn't think "Hmmmm.....something might be wrong here?" But all I got was a bunch of grief about my weight. No support. No help. No resources. Just grief.

I realized, in that moment, that I needed to be all of the things for my daughter that my mother was NOT for me. And one of those things is a protector from abuse. I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking it is okay for anyone to demean her in front of other people. I don't want my daughter to witness anyone else demoralizing me, and think that this behavior is okay. I want her to grow up strong, and protected, and educated, and valued!!!! And she will not get those values by being around my brother. So I am making the choice to stop being where he is.

We have also decided to start our own family traditions this year. If my parents work into the equation, fine. If not, that is their choice. But things are going to be on MY terms now. I feel strong. I feel resolved. I feel positive. And my husband is supporting me 100%. I think he is relieved to NOT have to go to my parents' house this year. Granted, it's going to create a whole bunch of work for me -- but in the end, I think it's going to be SO worth it!!!

Bad Karma

I feel like, at some point in my life, I must have done something to piss off the gods terribly. You know how some people can fall into a pile of dog poop and come out smelling like a rose? Well, that's NOT me!!! It seems like every time I resolve to begin an exercise program, or to start eating more healthfully, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!!! Right after Ash Wednesday, my whole family came down with the lovely vomiting and diarrhea illness that has been making the rounds. Not all at the same time, mind you. But sequentially, one after the other of us fell to the virus. Nice that we weren't bowing to the porcelain god all at the same time. BUT, this little siege stretched out over the course of more than a week! (Leaving me exhausted and literally drained!)

Flash forward one week, and we have ice and snow and a total mess outside. So, I'm out schlepping snow off the sidewalks, driveway, stairs, cars, etc. etc......Next day, feel like a truck ran over me.

Flash forward to this weekend, again snow, ice, mess, mess, mess. Shovel, shovel, shovel, cuss, cuss, cuss. Not as sore this time. BUT, number one child has come down with a HORRIBLE cold. Sounds like pneumonia may be settling in her chest. Number two child is developing a runny nose and sore throat. AND, for the sixth time this school year -- ta da! -- I have another bleeping COLD! Been taking Zycam and Airborne like they are candy, trying to at least limit the damage this puppy will do to me. I don't feel horrible, but I don't feel well, either.

My point??? Every freaking time I resolve to exercise, something happens that leaves me feeling like ruddy Hell, to the point that I can't even entertain the thought of vigorous movement. What gives??? I feel like just giving up, and saying "Okay, body, you win! I will never purposely move you again!" How's that for defeatist attitude?

What do you guys do when the whole world seems to conspire against you to keep you from exercising and eating right?

How's that workin' for ya?

So.....we're a week into the Lenten season, and where am I? Bloated, binging, disgusted with myself -- that's where!!! I loved a recent post on Dear Ethel that dealt with "eating less". Less what? Everything! Ahhh.....there's the rub. For those of us who can never get enough -- "less" almost seems like a joke concept. Truly, even 10% "less" on a 4,000 calorie-a-day diet will still cause weight gain! So, in the interest of examining the concept of "eat less", I have to examine what that would mean to me.

I have this "all or nothing at all" attitude, which I've been told is perfectionism, pure and simple. True. I have extremely high expectations of both myself and others. Really, in every area of my life, I demand perfection (or as close a facsimile as possible). Therein lies the rub! Because I'm fat. And my eating is out of control.

There is a definite disconnect somewhere between my brain and my body (stomach). I KNOW all of the right things to eat. I KNOW all of the calories in-calories out calculations of successful dieting. I KNOW all of the health related benefits to losing weight. So WHY am I so resistant to doing what I already KNOW I need to do?

Maybe eighty pounds just sounds too daunting. Maybe because I've never been able to sustain a loss for any length of time, I've just become apathetic. Maybe because of past failures, and knowing what a Herculean effort it takes to lose, I'm just not up for yet another failure. And yet.......I still have that glimmer somewhere in the back of my consciousness that thinks that I COULD do it if I tried. Because I have been successful at so many other things......why not this?

If I could just let go of this horrible perfectionism. I've done it in other areas of my life! Why not here? Maybe just 10 pounds could spark the flame to get rolling again. Perhaps I shall try....

So, so sad.......

I am so, so sad this night. A dear friend of mine was hospitalized yesterday. His behavior had become increasingly bizarre and disturbing. Outrageous mood swings and wild talk and behavior. Those close to him felt he was going mad. But what to do? Was he a danger to himself? To others? What a hard call to make! His brother finally intervened and had him checked out. The counselor immediately sent him to the hospital for tests......he has a brain tumor!!! Sweet Jesus -- please be with him. Please forgive me for thinking him mad. Pray for my friend.

Fat Tuesday!!!

So, here it is -- Shrove Tuesday again. Have eaten two huge fasnachts today. They are sitting like lead in my belly now. But tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. Can't remember the last time Lent fell this early in the year! I would like to spend this Lenten season trying to get a handle on my eating.



The last time I had any success losing weight, it started during the Lenten Fast. During that initial forty days, I only ate one time per day, at the evening meal. (Kinda like Ramadan, I think.) I also abstained from sugar and any products that contained it. That was one tough forty days, but very rewarding in more ways than one.



First, I was controlling my intake quite handily. It's pretty hard to over-eat when you only eat one time per day. Second, it helped to shrink my stomach. And third, it forced me to find things other than food to occupy my time, so I found that my spiritual life got a nice boost.



Let's see what happens this year......I think I'll try to keep track of what happens here!

Grace that is greater.......

Thinking of an old favorite today........


Grace, grace, God's grace. Grace that will pardon and cleanse within. Grace, grace, God's grace. Grace that is greater than all my sin.


Isn't that a lovely notion? What does that mean to you? It's like a breath of spring to my soul. But what does it "mean"? Has anyone ever been "gracious" to you? Do you remember it fondly? What about your family?


Another song........


I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God. I've been washed in the fountain. Cleansed by his blood. Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod. I'm a part of the family. The family of God.


Ooooo! It's so very, very hard to think about the "family of God" when we compare it to our own family of origin. They can be soooo ungracious and so unkind. How has this affected you and your behavior towards your own family? (eg. your spouse and children) I know that I am especially sensitive to my spouse and children. I try to live by the "golden rule". (NOTE: It does NOT say "Do unto others, then split!!!)


I am struggling on several fronts these days. One being what to do about some particularly aggressive behaviors from two close family members. My father and my brother can be particularly aggressive towards me in many ways. They are both quite derisive about education -- stemming from their own insecurities about their own lack of college education. They are particularly derisive about my current career choice.

My own response is generally along the lines of the following: "Well, in the past week, I have taught my children how to show respect for each other, and adult authority. I have taught them the rudiments of the English language, and its proper usage. I have taught them to read, and add and subtract, and how to spell. We have memorized poems and heard wonderful stories, and learned about history and far-away places. I have taught them to be kind and merciful, and how to listen to others, and respect one another's property and personal space. I have taught them to be respectful to their parents and teachers. But most of all, I have taught them how to THINK! So, what have you done this week?"

They have a tendency to "tag team" me when my husband is not in the room. What is it about a person that makes them THAT insecure? What exactly do they perceive that I will "do" to them that is so intimidating? Or, what is it about THEM that makes them so self important that they want to belittle everyone else in order to feel better about themselves?

All I have to say at this point is "I QUIT!!!" I have really had about all I am willing to take from these two clowns. My blood pressure has been sky high for the past two weeks. I have been "stuffing" down my anger with some pretty ugly binging. And my emotions have been off the rails. This is NO way to live, and I don't intend to continue for the sake of my mother's feelings. Quite frankly, she is culpable in that she has allowed both of these guys to behave like absolute lunatics for years. The very definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting a different outcome. Well, I can't change them, but I sure as Hell can change my response. So, "I QUIT!!!"

There comes a point beyond which we are unwilling or unable to proceed. I am unwilling to put up with the abuse any more. I am no longer twelve, but when I am in that house, thirty years just disappear. However, I think I have failed up to this point in taking hold of my own personal power. I have two children. And although they will not be the "whipping boys" in this whole ugly scenario, I will NOT subject them to their mother's castigation by these two clowns. They can also become effective bargaining chips in this little poker game. Read: Tow the line ass-hat, or your wife will NOT get to see her grandchildren as often as she might like. Sounds quite reactionary, but I have seen it work first hand! I have just not been willing to use this tactic to my advantage up to this point.

So.....what point with the initial strains of song above? Well, if "turn the other cheek" has been a refrain in my life, I must say that all four are so bloody bruised by now, there is no clear spot to turn!!! I have so thoroughly practiced being gracious and forgiving, that they don't know what to do when I finally have had enough. I will take and take and take -- until I finally snap! That's no way to live.......expressing anger is not a sin. Expecting kind behavior is not a sin. And distancing myself from abusive behavior is not a sin. It's self preservation, and LONG overdue.

I wonder how this distance will affect my weight, when I finally convince myself that I am worthy, and worthwhile. I also wonder if I will EVER be able to erase the negative tapes that run through my head...

Faith and Fat

I've been doing some reading at "Dear Ethel" and she is struggling with some of the same issues that I go to battle with on a daily basis. Namely: You can't be FAT and have FAITH!!! Why not, you ask? Well--it's one of the seven deadly sins, don't you know!

One of my favorite scriptures about faith: Faith is SUBSTANCE of things hoped for; the EVIDENCE of things not seen. So......there is SUBSTANCE to that which we hope for? How can there be any EVIDENCE of the existence of something that is only hoped for? This is a conundrum.

Further, I also think we base our perception of God as a loving heavenly father based upon our own experience of our perceptions about our Earthly fathers. And, if our Earthly fathers were less than stellar.....it's a little hard to wrap your mind around the concept of unconditional love. Especially if you either didn't have a father, or he was a first class jerk.

We also carry "tapes" in our heads from the things that other people have said to us about our "selves" and how worthy we were to be loved. Interestingly enough, if you have been raised in the Christian community, as I have, you find that your worth as a person is almost always tied to what you are willing to do. (Either for the church, the community, or your family.) And you are judged according to your works. (Read: Faith without works is dead.)

But I also learned, (and somewhere along the line, this got brushed under the rug) that there is NOTHING we can DO to obtain salvation. It is FREE, provided by grace and grace alone. Having said ALL of this, it is an attempt to let you know that I struggle daily with this, too. And the whole worthiness, weight, sin, repentance cycle also goes round and round in my head.