How is it possible to weigh over 200 pounds and be invisible? I feel that way, you know! I KNOW I'm here, because I've been cooking, cleaning, shopping, working, tending children, entertaining my husband's friends, and on and on and on. One would think that those things might render someone as quite visible. Particularly one with my height and girth! That's where you are mistaken -- it seems that somewhere along the line, I have disappeared, and I don't know when it happened.
It's almost hard to articulate the how and when I first came to this realization. I think it has been a process of degrees, beginning when I left the workforce to have children. I did not return to work until my youngest was in first grade, three years ago.
So much of our self-worth is derived as a human being from what we "do". I would stress here that we are human "beings" NOT human "doings". In the absence of a paying profession, there is often a void which is difficult to fill. Certainly, I was not without occupation! Anyone who is a parent can tell you that the full time act of child rearing is something for which none of us was ever prepared. The intensity of the calling is 24/7/365 with no parole for good behavior.
My aunt often told me that anything worth doing is worth doing right. This type of thinking permeates my family, and so I have always had quite a perfectionist streak. After the children were born, I was convinced that there was nobody on the face of this planet who could love and raise my children but me! I was also told by my parents that "we raised our children, and we don't intend to raise yours". So......not wanting to put them in daycare (EVER) I chose to stay home until they were both school aged.
Somewhere along the line, I lost my "self" and have been struggling to reclaim my identity for the past thirteen years. Quite a long time. Recently, I have been doing a lot of "navel gazing" (read living in my head) and have come up quite sad at the loss.
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6 comments:
Lovely to hear from you Nory. And yes, I was thinking the same thing about my own invisibility. I think most of it has to do with disassociating from myself as a person, in the way you described towards the end of your posting. Living in my head, not taking care of my body.
I have been on a major binge for the last week. Hate to say this, but this is the truth. For a few weeks out there I had been visible again, as though I had started to surface again. And now find myself gradually slipping away into invisibility again.
For me this has to do with looking after myself or letting myself go. Looking after myself creates visibility of me for me. Letting myself go, creates distortion and deleting of myself.
It is hard isn't it? Hell on earth. Hugs from here :>)
Oh please - those kids can take care of themselves, just leave a bowl of milk on the floor. Wait - that might be kittens....
Take off your invisibility cloak and raise your voice. People will notice.
If that doesn't work you could always try going topless!
Remember, life is what you make it.
Thanks for the lovely message regarding my thyroid Nory and very good advice to get checked out and at the minimum to take medication. Especially to compare it with insulin too. Never thought about it that way before :>)
I am catching up with people now that my entertaining crisis is over.
We all know about the invisible thing. When you are fat people discount you. Their eyes slide right by you as though you are not even there. It is very weird, and hard to bear.
When I quit being a nurse I went nuts. I had no identity without my name tag and stethoscope. I went from making decisions about life and death to making decisions about the cheapest toilet tissue. My ego fell off the charts. Has taken me ten years to put this issue to rest. I now realize that if people discount me it is has to do with them and not me. You are in good company with the invisible thing...and We see you!
By realizing you lost yourself, you are on the path of finding yourself. I know what it's like to be invisible. Sometimes I want the security of being invisible. I have lots of navel gazing to do but I am reaping the benefits of the navel gazing from the past few years... Hope to read more of your blog. Just now discovering it! Thanks!!
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