Tom Petty is singing again tonight. Last dance (though not with Mary Jane). What a binge day this has been! I feel actually sick from all of the crap I have shoved in my mouth. None of it made the least bit of sense. Very little of it was actually good for me. But -- I recorded every morsel. And the tally was over 2200 calories. Not a lot, really, but enough to blow my food budget for the day. Heck, it blows my food budget for the week!!!
I feel like I could just burst into tears. Some time ago, I was doing some reading about having needs met. Those needs included physical needs like shelter, clothing, sleep, sex, exercise, and food. Other needs included social and spiritual connection. I wonder if the food deprivation of the past two months has caused imbalances in other areas of my life that I have not looked at until today.
I am not sleeping well. And although I have been eating very healthfully, it is not enough to sustain me physically as I am (or rather, as I was). Homeostasis demands that an entity maintains itself. Because I have been consistently consuming less than my body wants in order to maintain, there is imbalance within the system. Therefore, I have been feeling more and more chaotic.
The drive to eat has been persistent and undeniable. Unfortunately, I have given free reign to that urge today, and now I am paying the price. No sleep in sight. Indigestion. Feeling sad. Very lonely. Tired. And now I face another very long week alone with the children, with a very distant and absent spouse.
Things are just feeling a bit hopeless right now, and I can't exactly put my finger on it. I am trying to just "be" with these feelings, and not eat any more over them. I do know that feelings are not reality and that they are transient. Wait five minutes and everything can change. Hope something changes tomorrow, because I am really feeling low tonight.
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2 comments:
Hang on. This too shall pass. I had this day on Monday. No rhyme or reason for it. And once it started I could not stop it.
My strategies for enduring a binge are:
1. Admit I am binging and eat only what I really, really want. Even if I have to drive five miles to town to buy chocolate cheesecake on the credit card.
2. Get as much of binge item as I can afford.
3. Sit down and eat it, and enjoy.
4. When full (or dead) say to self, "Okay that's over, and tomorrow is another day."
5. Next day after binge has passed try to figure out what set it off.
6. Figure out what unmet need food was filling. (Lately mine is escape. I get to escape from the pressures of life while I am eating.)
7. Go back to healthier eating WITHOUT REMORSE.
WE have all been there. Hugs.
Yes Nory now that I think about it, Monday was a "post traumatic" binge. I never realized I did that. Ain't insight grand? Thanks!
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